City Noise (#9)

  An idea I thought about in class was the division between nature and society. Growing up in the city I have grown to love the comfort of people, busy streets, activity, and the constant desire to do something. I have seen my city grow and develop over the years and never really wished for more. My sister would sometimes say how she wanted to move out to land and how we should all live near each other. My first thought was why would I live far away from everything I need? Why would I not want to live 10 minutes from every hot spot I attend on a daily basis? My world has been overcome by convenience and getting things done. 

    I feel like I always thought I would not know what to do if I lived out of the city. Would I just raise animals? Would I have to work harder maintaining it? Would it be too quiet? I think the last one is what i reflect on the most. While I do find times in my day to be alone, I am never fully just quiet. My phone buzzing, scrolling aimlessly, or my mind racing about my troubles. I am either distracted to block them out or asleep to recharge my day. 

    The biggest thing about my nature walks were unplugging but just being alone with the world around me. I couldn't just block it out with my phone or others. I forced myself to just be a part of it. Even in the moments of peace, I would have thoughts come back into my mind about everything I was not accomplishing by being here. In my head, since I was not doing tasks I was not being productive. Being alone with my thoughts is a double edged sword. I feel like the silence allows me to reflect, but too much reflection overwhelms me. Being in nature this time, not alone thinking before bed, was a little different. I feel like since I was not confined to the walls of my bedroom I was able to just sit and look at what was around me and think about that. Seeing the world around me got me out of my personal worries and made me think about the bigger picture of things. By getting out of my normal routine it almost allowed me to escape my whole world and enter a new one. I did not have to be perfect here. I did not have expectations. I was no one here. The insects, river, trees, or breeze did not have to know me to allow me to enjoy their presence. For once, being alone did not feel so lonely. It felt freeing. It made me reflect on Abbey as he would leave for weeks at a time and just be. He spoke about how he could finally be himself and no one could tell him to do anything. I think that since I have made my world revolve so much around other people that I never see the desire to escape. By getting myself out of that groove I was able to find happiness just being with myself. It makes you think what you would do if there was never anyone around you. Would I finally be happy being away from societal expectations and the requirements I place on myself to impress others. Would I ever talk again? Who am I outside of who others say I am? If I am no ones family, no ones friend, what am I? Just an animal like the rest. Finally a part of nature and able to participate in in. If I had nothing else to do but survive, imagine how much I would live.  

    I think I need to find more ways to blur the lines between these worlds. The one where I am a human doing and another where I am a human being. Finding ways to find those moments of peace in the chaos of life. I need to see nature as my entire world and not just part of it. I need to have those moments to ground me and recognize all the noise that corrupts my life. I finally want to experience nature as a way to free myself and not see it as daunting. Being alone is not lonely when you have the entire world around you. I just need to take those steps to unplug and live.